Dear Accounting15,

I know second chances are rare, and that I am extremely lucky you gave me a second chance. But please, let’s work this out. I’ll do my part; I’ll review everyday, meaning I’ll be answering a minimum of 1 long problem per day along with 3 short problems. Every 9:00-10:30 break, just after accounting class, I’ll sit at the bench and go review what I didn’t understand in class. One day before a long test, I’ll go to MSP or Magis or Tito Lito to get things cleared up. I will give you the time and attention I deprived you of during the first semester. I will listen. I will understand.

But please, dear Accounting, Do your part. Please be patient with me and my ever so slow and confused brain. I need you to like me. I need you to love me. I need a B or B+ more than ever. I really don’t want to lose Ateneo because despite all the complaining about how hard it is to maintain these grades, I love it here. I love the people, I love the campus, I love the education. 

So please. To the “ex-boyfriend” who actually gave me another chance to prove things right when I failed, I practice everyday now. Like, no bullshit. Just, please be kind to me this summer semester. 

Love, Anj

August 23, 2011: Realizations

Anj parang movie lang yan eh. Maganda yung start tapos yung middle, pero pangit yung ending, siyempre mag rarage ka, oo. Pero, eventually you have the choice to talk about the happy and nice start or the sucky ending, when you share it with other people diba? 

I’m almost two months in. WHOO. I CAN DO THIS. I can feel numb and not care. I can feel nothing, and cold. I can stop myself. For myself. 

Yet right now, I feel like a little girl. Lost, unaware of anything that’s happening around her. Ignorant and still naive. A bit hung up from her last sugar high. Carefree, yes, but equally as self destructive and negligent. 

Sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself. Why I allow myself to wallow in the misery, and the hurt. Every time I allow myself to think of everything that has happened. How I still hope, that maybe even if i may not have my boyfriend, I’d still have my best friend. Sucks though, that I can’t have either.

I mean, I think, at this point I’ve fully accepted the fact that I’m not going to get him back. Or at least not anytime soon. And, I’m pretty sure as well that honestly, I’m not ready yet to get involved with anyone else. Not unless I’ve fully grasped who I am once again. But I was hoping that at the very least, I still had the comfort of being able to freely talk to him. And get at least a similar response from him. I feel shut off, forgotten. All that emotional investment (not that it’s some sort of property thing) for nothing.

Alam mo, kung mahal ka naman kasi talaga niya, no matter what, kahit gaano ka pa ka imperfect, he’d still stay. And, he’d still be there for you, and he’d still care for you.

I don’t want to regret. I still agree that I needed the time off. I need to find that sense of self that I’ve lost in the span of 3 years just so I’ll be good enough, for myself, (hopefully) for him or someone better. I just feel so jealous. Jealous because he’s fine. Because he’s found someone to replace me as his confidant. Jealous because he doesn’t want to confide in me anymore. That he doesn’t even want to try. Jealous because I still want to be her. That girl he talks to every night, that girl who listens to his rants on how tired he is. The girl he shares music with and random stuff with. And has nice long conversations with.

And right now, I feel nothing but defeated. Right now, I want to give up. Right now, I feel like just floating away.

…..

Okay, time to pick myself back up again.